The Day I Attended a Webinar

I have never attended/participated/viewed (whatever you call it) a webinar, so I had no idea what to expect.  I logged in a few minutes before it was to begin and it was pretty easy peesy from there.

The program was presented by Positive Parenting Solutions and the speaker, Amy, covered one of the many points she teaches in her online training.  Tonight's topic:  Get Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling.

At first I was not sure I wanted to sit for an hour and listen to stuff I already knew (kids want attention and power - yep, they want to feel like they have control - got it, punishment is not discipline - knew that), but then Amy started to get into a bit more detail.

She explained what makes a consequence effective:  The 5 R's
 - Respectful:  if you can't deal with the problem in a respectful way right then, tell the child you will address it later, walk away, collect yourself, them come back when you can deal with it calmly and respectfully
 - Relative:  "the punishment must fit the crime" so to speak; if the child refuses to wear a helmet, then no bike, not no video games
 - Reasonable:  a small child who throws puzzle pieces should have the puzzle picked up and put away for the day, but a teen who texts at the table should lose cell privileges for a week
 - Reveal:  reveal the consequence in advance so the child had the opportunity to make a choice (giving them power and control)
 - Repeat:  the child should repeat the rule to you, that way you know they know

All of that stuff is pretty common sense and we pretty much do it with No.1 and 2, but it's this next part that I really took home.

If there is an issue, then during a calm time of the day when everyone is in a good mood and no one is flustered, gather everyone together and follow the following script:

 - State the Concern or Problem:  I've noticed we've been having an issue with ______.  It seems like when I ask you to _________, you ___________
 - State the Expected Behavior:  In the future, I expect that ____________.  I'll give you a warning, a heads-up, but it's up to you to make the choice
 - Reveal the Consequences:  I'm sure we won't have an issue with this, but, should you choose to break the rule ___________
 - Ask the Child to Repeat:  Just so we're on the same page, please tell me what our agreement is.

Now, if the child chooses to ignore or disobey the rule, you can simply say something like:  I see you chose to lose your video privileges.  I have confidence you'll make a better choice next time.  This allows the child to learn and save face at the same time.

The second thing I really got out of this webinar was to never "piggyback".  Pickybacking is when you say, "I told you you were going to lose privileges, but you chose to disobey, so don't get mad at me - it was your choice."  When she said that, I could just see myself saying that to my child so many times it's not funny.  I get it.  No more piggybacking.

So, here's to new discipline.

Here's to being anti-piggyback.

And here's to a Better Mommy Me.